As Pakistanis we love our big fat Pakistani families, with our houses flooded with guests on Eids and weddings, beaming faces looking back at us on the dinner table, grandparents telling stories from the past, celebrations over the tiniest milestones in life but truth be told, sometimes they are quite a handful.
Here are a few things every Pakistani with a huge family can relate to:
1. Fitting everyone in a selfie is jihad
While previously, it was only your homegirls or band of brothers taking photos; now the whole auntie and uncle squad wants to get in the scene. Be it selfie sticks, actual or human, no occasion is complete without the said selfie.
2. Eidi = 100 rupees
Your friends boast about eidi that goes up to four zeroes but your chachu only takes out crisp hundred rupee notes and distributes them to ten million of you. Chalo, at least you can afford mobile credit.
3. On daawats, they all have their eyes on the nice boti
World war 3 over chicken leg piece.
4. The “mujhe pehle salaam kyun nai kiya?”
There’s a competition between who gets the most izzat in the family. The hierarchical structure is what gets the desi families going. The safest way to avoid awkward situations is:
a) Give your salam in the general air
b) Work your way in the room in descending order based on the amount of gray hair on their head
c) Screw it
5. The “beta, Mujhe pehchana?”
There’s always that one uncle or auntie or annoying uncle ka valaiti beta who catches you off-guard at a shaadi or a daawat and asks you how you’re related. And you have to bite your tongue, play nice instead of saying “meri jooti ko Bhi Nai pata aap Kaun hein“.
6. There are ten million people telling you, “beta, thori healthy nai hogayi?”
We’re not fat, we’re fun-sized. And we’re cute AF so let us be, aunty jee.
7. While they constantly force-feed you themselves
They insist and if you don’t say yes, you’d be labeled nakhre wali.
7. Or, “itnay sookh gaye ho, mama khana nai khilati?”
My body is a temple. Stay out of it.
8. Everyone wants to get the same dress like you in different colors.
Ever walk into a party looking like the Benjamin Sisters squad?
We’re used to it.
9. Your family is so loud, it’s embarrassing to eat out.
Eating together at home is such a noisy affair so God has mercy on the poor bystanders who have to hear us be in our element outdoors.
“Pass the salad!”
“Saalan pass kerdoh!”
“The garam naan is mine!”
“No, mine!”
“HA too bad I got to it first!”
Something like that.
10. You get ten lectures per day
Everything, ranging from your grades to your Shaadi status is up for poking and prodding. As if your parents weren’t enough, everybody needs to get in with their two cents and you’re expected to just shut up and listen otherwise you get the classic, “Dekho kesay fut fut jawab de rehi hay” or “zaban kitni lambi hogayi hay iski“.
11. Dozens of eyes watch your every move
Don’t sit like this, too lady-like. Don’t eat like this, you look as if you’re jungli. Where is your dupatta? Do you not know dupatta is your best friend? Dupatta should be a part of your body. Dupatta cares. Dupatta understands.
12. The incessant need to keep track of everybody’s ages.
You were born on a dark, starry night of November the 20th; six months, two weeks, four days, three hours, five minutes, 45 seconds before Usman and it’s fine. Usman doesn’t care and neither do you but your family thinks it’s amusing to revisit this calculation every other dining situation.
The struggle is real.
13. Birthdays. So many birthdays.
Three birthdays every month and you run out of clothes to wear and cute present ideas. But your life is so happening, with anniversary dinners, akeekas, Roza khushayis, Quran khushayis, bridal showers, and so on, so forth.
14. Constant comparisons
The parents are constantly in contact and so, if your cousin scores 95 on 100 in the Science midterm, you wouldn’t hear the end of it. Your mother will emotionally blackmail you to become better in perhayi than Ali, better in debates than Sarmad, better in the dramatics than Hamza – Just be better than pretty much everybody in the family.
15. Life events have to be told to 100 people Warna koi na koi naraz ho jata hay
Well, at least, thanks to the tech-age, you can make a Facebook Event for your graduation party or Whatsapp group for the random movie plan that’s not so random anymore because now you’re planning it because you don’t want any random narazgiyaan instead, random plan ki khair hay.
15. The family WhatsApp group
Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?
Self-explanatory.
16. Free therapy
There are so many ears to hear you out, bounce ideas off, and keep you grounded. Free advice on dealing with all your life issues but sometimes, just a shoulder for you to cry on. Or ten.
17. You never run out of dance partners for a wedding
Perfectly synchronized dance sequence on London Thumakda or freestyling on Bibi Shireen, there’s enough of you to turn the heat up on the dance floor.
18. Gossip circle
Ranging from your relationship status after someone saw that one completely friend-zoned guy drop you home to the overdose of Namak in yesterday’s Palao, some of your relatives have to talk about and discuss all the happenings in the family, word for word.
19. Vacations are HELLA FUN
The best part about having huge families are those weekend picnics or trips over summer vacations that you have a hundred embarrassing photos of but it’s okay.
