Let me make one thing clear – I know very little about fashion and dressing up. So please don’t expect an actual fashion review. 

Right, so the thing is that award shows and film festivals don’t usually get me all hyped up. But recently Mahira Khan got a lot of attention for representing L’Oreal Pakistan at the 2018 Cannes Film Festival. Following up on that news I found out that many other desi celebs went there as well. So how about I try to make sense of the oh-so-fancy Cannes Dresses? Let’s get into it.

Aishwarya Rai Bachchan

As far as I know, Aishwarya is a seasoned actress. In comparison to the new lot in Bollywood, she is much more mature and well-groomed. So here’s number one.

I spent a solid five minutes trying to understand this dress. This white dress is one of those shoulder-less ones that have to really stick with your body to stay on. I imagine it would be quite uncomfortable to wear one of these especially with an ENTIRE GALAXY OF STARS GLUED TO THE FRONT.

And I feel like Aish is about to audition for an Anime with that hair. I mean, it’s cool and all. I personally like it.

And then we have this one.

To me, a good dress is the one people look at and say “Oh she’s wearing THAT. Makes sense, looks nice.” That’s legit all I know. This one is a good example of that case.

IS IT A MERMAID? IS IT A PEACOCK? NO, IT’S AISHWARYA RAI.

First thing’s first, there is a lot, and I mean A LOT, of stuff going on with this dress. If you ignore the robe thingy she’s wearing, it looks as if she’s got a film festival to attend at 4:00 and a swimming class to teach at 4:30. And if you put the robe back on, she’s practically a peacock. This is one of those dresses that really require your attention.

Sonam Kapoor

Sonam isn’t really an old actress and neither is she a new one. BUT, she IS a fashion icon.

Even I know that. Plus she just got married. Toh chalo, theek hai. Now I’m looking at this dress, and I’m kinda really, REALLY annoyed because it’s so darn asymmetrical. Is this a thing? Why is this a thing? She looks great and all, but…symmetry! Also – is the dress not giving you guys shaadi vibes? Like, maybe she decided ke ek jora function pe pehna nahi toh I’ll recycle. 

That’s cool, Sonam. Shaadi dresses are great. Recycling is even better.

Okay, moving on to her second look. Honestly, at first I was like, “Okay, I get it, you wanna keep things low key. I hear ya.” BUT THEN…

…BOOM. She turns around and she’s got the world’s fluff attached to her back.

I just wanna know how you guys walk around in these dresses. Mujhe nahi samajh aarahi. You guys are on another level.

Deepika Padukone

If you thought I was done trying to make sense of the Cannes dresses worn by desi women, you’re dead wrong. Heh.

Okay, so I’ll be honest. I love her, she’s great. But yeh thoray bohot alien-esque kaprey nahi hain?  I’m a bit torn because a) I don’t understand this on levels I didn’t know could exist and b) I’m genuinely concerned ke she’ll trip and fall with that long tail.

What I also find odd is that thing on the shoulders. This thing:

Matlab yar ab kuch bhi chalay ga? I know I’m barely in the ballpark for understanding fashion, but is this okay? Please help me.

Also, I love that she’s happy and all but I kinda did crack up looking at this picture. It’s like when you go to the doctor and the doctor says “Beta mun kholo” and you’re like “Aaaaa“.

Mahira Khan

Saving the best for last, we have The Queen, Her Majesty Mahira Khan.

Just… okay. Wow. Some people might call this very basic. I think it’s just perfect. Theek hai, Cannes main fashionable hona parhta hoga. But there’s just something about simplicity you can’t beat, haina? Maybe it’s just me. Idk.

And then, there’s this saari.

Saari – er, sorry – but I think Mahira may have won Cannes. They give out awards, right? Yes? No? Whatever, saarey Mahira ko de dou.

I just think just the choice to wear a saari is really bad ass. As far as the saari is concerned, haha I have no idea what qualifies as a good saari. Par yeh lag toh kaafi achi rahi hai. 

I can already hear the sound of pitchforks, but dekho – hum log bhi yeh dresses dekhtay hain. It’s only fair that we try to make sense of the Cannes dresses too. If you, much like me, don’t understand what’s going on, please comment in solidarity below. Thanks.