I Was In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship That Broke Me, Here’s What It Felt Like

Imagine a room. A room with a door and a window that is locked, and nothing else.

Imagine that you’re the sole resident of that room, but here’s the catch, you can’t leave the room because you are tied up with two chains with their respective locks.

You have the keys to one of these locks and the other key lies with someone else. Even though you have the key to one of these locks, it is almost impossible to open this lock. You’re scared about what might happen if you open the lock, you feel you just don’t have the strength left in you to put in the key and just turn it.

People can only come in this room that you dwell in, but you? You’re the only one who can’t leave.

Unlike the door, from which people can come in but you can’t go out, the window does the opposite.

You can see outside, but no one can see inside. No one can hear you; no one can communicate with you, the person behind this window. They look at their reflections, give a smile if they want to, and just leave. You linger onto these images and smiles forever and ever – sometimes it makes you smile as well, but other times it makes you feel dark.

Even though you have a room to yourself and have interaction with the world from inside this room, you still feel lonely and isolated.

You’re scared, confused and disoriented. You know it’s not your fault, but the people who come and visit you inside your room make you believe that you’re responsible for your own condition. You’re angry, frustrated and helpless and feel as if you deserve all this – To be locked away and forgotten.

This is how it feels to be in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Your aura is the room that surrounds you. The room with a door and a window.

The door is a gateway to your mind and heart. Someone enters, they dump their dirt on you, make you feel unloved, scared, confused and isolated. They make you feel like it hurts to love.

These people have the key to the first chain, the key that lets them enter your heart and mind – to your sanity and ability to ration, to the place that keeps a record of your greatest weaknesses, vulnerabilities, and insecurities.

This key also unlocks your ability to soar into the sky and be the person that you actually are – strong and resilient. They keep this key hidden because they’re scared of you and your strength. They don’t want to unlock the person that you actually are. They only want to see the version that they love.

The window is your ability to absorb everything but not be able to react to it. You can see the reality, crystal clear and raw.

You try to communicate, to let your loved ones know what you can see and feel, but no one sees you or hears your cries. Eventually, you go into a sponge-like state – absorbing all the hate, the malice and all the hurt that builds up inside you. But all you can do is forget about it and run yourself dry of emotions. No one cares. No one understands what you’re going through.

It is an unfortunate state of affairs. You’ve been conditioned to tolerate.

Conditioned to believe that you can make things work and if you can’t, that is your own failure – your own fault. If you unlock this chain, the key to which you hold in your hand, you might be able to leave the room, but there’s a world that is bigger and much crueler, waiting to eat your flesh. You’re scared that no one, not even your loved ones are going to hold your hand through this peril, you’ll be all alone.

So you stay where you are – A room with a door and a window that is locked, and nothing else.

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Cover image via 7th Sky Entertainment